I once recently read someone who said that they did not like
the phrase honest to a fault. For them it seemed like using honesty as an
excuse to avoid tact. I get that and I agree with it. Because in that case, the
fault isn’t the honesty, it is the lack of tact itself. There really is no
situation where honest is a fault.
In the classic scenario of a woman asking “how do I look in this outfit” honesty is still required. If she asks the question, she wants an answer, at least I think so. She is asking your help, to make her look like she wants to. She is asking your help, and by lying, you deny that help. Be direct and honest but you can do that while also using tact.” Other dresses look much better on you” for example.
I have people in my life who have faced me with painful truths, and I am grateful to them, for while others avoided confronting me, indeed, perhaps avoided me all together, others have stood to me and told me things they knew that it would be painful for me to hear, because my awareness is the only way I could improve.
I’ve had hygiene issues, loudmouth issues, and a few other barriers in my social interactions, and I’m rarely (if ever) aware when they are happening. It takes someone facing me, and helping me understand what I am doing for me to discover it, and upon its discovery, change it.
And I try to do the same. I had one friend, who when he was not around, every woman I knew would speak poorly of him. Of how they thought he leered, how desperate he seemed, and how he always seemed to treat them like an object. Thing is I knew this guy. He was a feminist, and a heartfelt guy. So I took it upon myself to let him know. Not to call any woman out, but to let him know how his actions were being viewed. No one had ever talked to him. Just about him. Just around him. I felt someone needed to talk to him. Not to belittle him, not to judge him, but to help him stop, to help him improve. It worked, almost instantly. He made a concrete effort, asked me for advice and for cues when he was acting inappropriately. He backed off. And no one looks at him that way now. So the truth is he was a great guy, and had no idea what signals he was sending. Awareness was the key to understanding.
I recommend the Kindle singles book Lying by Sam Harris. He looks at many of these issues and has reached the same conclusions as I. That even white lies are damaging. One thing he does mention is there is something called ‘messages of expectation.” If someone asks you a question, and you know sincerely and surely that they do not want a real answer, but it is more a phrase or politeness, than the polite response is not a lie.
For instance “how are you today” from a total stranger. They don’t really want to hear about your cough, your friend’s illness, or how your rheumatism is flaring up, at least not usually. In this case, “I’m fine’ isn’t a lie, it’s a programmed response. I reacted to this at first, because truthfully if I were to ask someone how they were and they were to tell me, I would appreciate it, but I do get that most people don’t. So I can see how it’s acceptable.
What do you think? What’s the right answer to ‘how are you’ if fine feels like a lie?
In the classic scenario of a woman asking “how do I look in this outfit” honesty is still required. If she asks the question, she wants an answer, at least I think so. She is asking your help, to make her look like she wants to. She is asking your help, and by lying, you deny that help. Be direct and honest but you can do that while also using tact.” Other dresses look much better on you” for example.
I have people in my life who have faced me with painful truths, and I am grateful to them, for while others avoided confronting me, indeed, perhaps avoided me all together, others have stood to me and told me things they knew that it would be painful for me to hear, because my awareness is the only way I could improve.
I’ve had hygiene issues, loudmouth issues, and a few other barriers in my social interactions, and I’m rarely (if ever) aware when they are happening. It takes someone facing me, and helping me understand what I am doing for me to discover it, and upon its discovery, change it.
And I try to do the same. I had one friend, who when he was not around, every woman I knew would speak poorly of him. Of how they thought he leered, how desperate he seemed, and how he always seemed to treat them like an object. Thing is I knew this guy. He was a feminist, and a heartfelt guy. So I took it upon myself to let him know. Not to call any woman out, but to let him know how his actions were being viewed. No one had ever talked to him. Just about him. Just around him. I felt someone needed to talk to him. Not to belittle him, not to judge him, but to help him stop, to help him improve. It worked, almost instantly. He made a concrete effort, asked me for advice and for cues when he was acting inappropriately. He backed off. And no one looks at him that way now. So the truth is he was a great guy, and had no idea what signals he was sending. Awareness was the key to understanding.
I recommend the Kindle singles book Lying by Sam Harris. He looks at many of these issues and has reached the same conclusions as I. That even white lies are damaging. One thing he does mention is there is something called ‘messages of expectation.” If someone asks you a question, and you know sincerely and surely that they do not want a real answer, but it is more a phrase or politeness, than the polite response is not a lie.
For instance “how are you today” from a total stranger. They don’t really want to hear about your cough, your friend’s illness, or how your rheumatism is flaring up, at least not usually. In this case, “I’m fine’ isn’t a lie, it’s a programmed response. I reacted to this at first, because truthfully if I were to ask someone how they were and they were to tell me, I would appreciate it, but I do get that most people don’t. So I can see how it’s acceptable.
What do you think? What’s the right answer to ‘how are you’ if fine feels like a lie?
And while I’m asking…and since I haven’t gotten any comments
on this blog yet, how are you today?
Alternatives to "I'm fine" when I'm not might be: "Things could be worse," "I'm hanging in there," or "Taking it a day at a time." People tend to react to these statements in a similar way as "I'm fine," but I feel I'm being more honest.
ReplyDeleteThose are good sometimes. At work though, when I think I'm expected to always be on top, I always say I'm great. When a guest commented "he's always great" I confided, that sometimes I was just ok, but if they wanted a fair barometer of how I was doing, just knock off about two levels from my comment, so Great is ok, good is a little off, ok is blech, and blech is off the scale.
ReplyDelete